Sunday, April 4, 2010
Season Four Now Oficially Under Way
We've launched our new website. Visit Slurve Magazine for new content.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Dear Patriots,
Running this operation without the Commish around is harder than I expected. We're lucky it's the off season. I have been in negotiations with the Commish, and have agreed to cede control to him upon the deliverance of our new website, and tax exempt status. In the meantime I will be recruiting new players and publishing some content we have held over from last season. I encourage you to send us your best pitch.
The Skipper
The Skipper
Friday, December 11, 2009
A Letter from The Commish
Slurve Headquarters received this message from its deposed leader this morning. A response will be forthcoming.
Mr. Skipper,
I attempted reach my office this morning, and was promptly escorted off the premises by two rather large gentlemen wearing black uniforms and brandishing semiautomatic weapons. I informed them that I was the Commissioner of Slurve, but they said Slurve was under new management, by order of the Skipper. They put me in the back of a van, saying I was lucky you had ordered them not to harm me. They would not, however, tell me where they were taking me; only that I was being exiled. Next thing I knew I was in the back of a cargo plane whose destination turned out to be the Newark International Airport.
I have filed a complaint with the Concerned Citizens Coalition. No one should be made to go to New Jersey against his or her will. It is clearly defined as torture in the Geneva Conventions. Then again, staging a coup while I was on vacation isn’t exactly legal either, but I suppose I should be grateful you didn’t injure anyone on the staff or raze our ballpark to the ground.
While I realize my previous unannounced vacation may have been cause for some disillusionment within the organization, I can assure you that I have been working diligently behind the scenes. I have just signed a deal for a new stadium, and am in negotiations to increase the salaries of everyone on staff from their current average of $0. Perhaps if you had given me a chance to explain instead of deciding to mutiny in one of your drunken rages, this whole debacle could have been avoided.
It is my hope that you will cede control of Slurve back to me peacefully, but I am prepared to do whatever is necessary to regain my rightful place.
The Commish
Mr. Skipper,
I attempted reach my office this morning, and was promptly escorted off the premises by two rather large gentlemen wearing black uniforms and brandishing semiautomatic weapons. I informed them that I was the Commissioner of Slurve, but they said Slurve was under new management, by order of the Skipper. They put me in the back of a van, saying I was lucky you had ordered them not to harm me. They would not, however, tell me where they were taking me; only that I was being exiled. Next thing I knew I was in the back of a cargo plane whose destination turned out to be the Newark International Airport.
I have filed a complaint with the Concerned Citizens Coalition. No one should be made to go to New Jersey against his or her will. It is clearly defined as torture in the Geneva Conventions. Then again, staging a coup while I was on vacation isn’t exactly legal either, but I suppose I should be grateful you didn’t injure anyone on the staff or raze our ballpark to the ground.
While I realize my previous unannounced vacation may have been cause for some disillusionment within the organization, I can assure you that I have been working diligently behind the scenes. I have just signed a deal for a new stadium, and am in negotiations to increase the salaries of everyone on staff from their current average of $0. Perhaps if you had given me a chance to explain instead of deciding to mutiny in one of your drunken rages, this whole debacle could have been avoided.
It is my hope that you will cede control of Slurve back to me peacefully, but I am prepared to do whatever is necessary to regain my rightful place.
The Commish
Friday, November 20, 2009
Stand with us now to preserve all that once made Slurve great
Dear Patriots,
Thomas Jefferson once said the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. That time has come. We can no longer stand idly by and bow to the Commish’s socialist agenda. Aided by a few loyal followers, I have taken over Slurve to save it from the tyranny of profit sharing and salary caps. No! Slurve must remain capitalistic! The only way to provide a better product is through fair market competition! Free agency hasn’t destroyed the game; it has simply given it a dash of musical chairs! Who doesn’t love musical chairs? I have hired a number of mercenaries, including several known pirates, Delta force veterans, and a gang of Militia men armed to the teeth to ensure that Slurve is well protected. Never again will it fall into the hands of godless communists. We are prepared for siege. We are prepared for war. We will stop at nothing to protect America's pastime and we hope the Commish will give himself up quietly, but we are prepared to destroy all that is Slurve in order to save it from a socialist fate.
No one puts liberty in the corner!
Fearlessly,
The Skipper
Thomas Jefferson once said the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. That time has come. We can no longer stand idly by and bow to the Commish’s socialist agenda. Aided by a few loyal followers, I have taken over Slurve to save it from the tyranny of profit sharing and salary caps. No! Slurve must remain capitalistic! The only way to provide a better product is through fair market competition! Free agency hasn’t destroyed the game; it has simply given it a dash of musical chairs! Who doesn’t love musical chairs? I have hired a number of mercenaries, including several known pirates, Delta force veterans, and a gang of Militia men armed to the teeth to ensure that Slurve is well protected. Never again will it fall into the hands of godless communists. We are prepared for siege. We are prepared for war. We will stop at nothing to protect America's pastime and we hope the Commish will give himself up quietly, but we are prepared to destroy all that is Slurve in order to save it from a socialist fate.
No one puts liberty in the corner!
Fearlessly,
The Skipper
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